Recognition Denied

Sir, Recognition requested.
Isn't that what we are all searching for in this life? Recognition? Recognition of our accomplishments, recognition of our abilities, recognition of who we are and what we do. Recognition equals acclaim. Recognition nurtures our egos, and fools us into believing we really are all we claim to be.
At USAFA, each class goes through Recognition, to be accepted into the Cadet Wing as upperclassmen. Each four-degree goes through a year of intense training and beat sessions, cumulating in a weekend to test them to the last... and in the end they hear "Recognition Granted". For most of them, they have earned this honor through their blood, their sweat, their tears. For their classmates who had washed out, they hear the resounding "Recognition Denied" bellowed through the dark halls in response to their names.
But back to real life. What do we seek recognition in? I know I seek recognition in all I do, though I deserve none of the praise. All glory and acclaim belong to my Lord and Savior, my Creator Father. Yet why do I ask the world for recognition?
Ma'am, recognition Denied.

Chasing the Wind

I feel desperately exhausted... I am craving sleep right now. I have had some of the longest days of my life the last few days, and I have at least four more days just like them coming up this week (the next four days)
I am finding out that life is tough... and then we die. Its a sucky world to live in. The only thing that keeps me going is my beliefs. One day, I am going to rise up from this messed up existence, and I am going to have a new existence, a new body, a new purpose. God promises us that this life is but a shadow... and I am looking forward with hope and expectation to the coming promise of reality.
But for now, all I can do is plough ahead, push through the bad, look forward with expectations to the coming future, trust God, and obey him.
Ecclesiastes in the Bible was written by King Solomon--the man who had everything. King Solomon was the richest man in the world. He was also the wisest. He was rumored to have 1,000 wives. He had fame, fortune, friends, women... he had a kingdom. Yet he spoke of his life as "meaningless"... just a "chasing after the wind". He recognized the insufficiency of the world to satisfy that deepest, inner craving we have for God. That empty hole we have in our heart cannot be filled with drugs, alcohol, sex, pleasure, riches, friendships, material possessions, etc... no. A few weeks ago in church, Kit said that man's deepest desire is to be loved by his creator. And all these cheap imitations do nothing to satisfy this deep craving. King Solomon in all his wisdom and glory was unhappy. He finally concluded that all we can do is trust and obey God. "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man."
Without God, I am lost. Without God, I am hopeless. He is the only reason I put up with my miserable existence, and I pray to God that he doesn't allow me to chase theses present shadows and forsake the coming glory of the future reality.

Whirling Thoughts...

I woke up at 3 this morning when the phone rang... and I had an adrenaline rush for those few minutes when you fear the worst, and fears rage through your mind... what happened? did someone die? what my world about to be turned upside down?
But it turned out to be nothing important. I woke up again at 630 to get ready for work. And today ended up being just another average day. Tomorrow, on the other hand, starts a whole new week... six straight days of water polo BABY! YEAH!
I love water polo. I could live off of it. But it will be some long days. Tuesday through Sunday, I will have to get up at 5 and won't be able to get to bed until 12 at the earliest. It will be tough getting through this week, water polo notwithstanding.
Matthew leaves tonight. He is going to Peru before he heads to Mississippi for pilot training. I leave back to school on the 10th of August, so I only have three and a half weeks left at home myself. My family is moving a few days afterwards... from Hawaii to Boston... talk about culture shock.
Another chapter in my life is closing. And I feel no closer to reaching meaning, or attaining purpose. I only wake up to find I have less time than before.

My Greatest Nightmare

Every day of my life, I am tortured by a memory... I get a sick feeling inside, my stomach ties up in knots, and I feel as if I want to vomit. I fight tears, I fight an insane anger and bitterness that rises up into my mouth. When I remember what I have done, and what has happened to me in this particular instance, I can't help but feel remorse, regret, and self hatred.
When I remember all that was ripped from me; when I recall the shame and pain I had to go through; when the memories haunt and hound me every hour of every day; this is my source, this is my motivation to prove everyone wrong and somehow make amends for what I have lost. Somewhere, somehow, I lost a dream. And that dream was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I carelessly gave up, yet was also ripped from my hands and my heart.
I feel nothing but bitterness here. I aim for nothing less than perfection to try to erase some portion of the stain, to lessen the memory, the torturing sickness that overcomes me. I take my anger, and I use it as my source, and my motivation to do all I was meant to do, more than I dreamed of, because my dreams were taken away. I cannot attain them anymore. I cannot reach lower. I aim higher.
In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, "I have learned through bitter experiences the one supreme lesson to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmitted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmitted into a power that can move the world."
This is my hope. This is my vow.

A Wave on the Sand

Coming home from work today, I experienced something that took my breath away. In one blink of the eye, I realized how fragile and vulnerable my life is. I was almost hit by a driver on the highway who crossed over in my lane, and narrowly avoided hitting me head on. I was a few inches from dying tonight.
Such a near encounter shook me up immediately... I was shaking the remainder of the drive home. But since then, I can't shake from my mind the scariest part of it all: I was powerless to stop it. For a split second, my life was plainly shown to be out of my hands. That is a scary thought for someone who lives her life as if she is the one in control; as if I hold my life in my hands, and can protect it as I desire. No, my life is not in my hands; every precious second I draw breath could be my last- and I won't have a single word in the matter. Our lives are indeed a fleeting shadow... a breath of wind, and candle snuffed out. A wave on the sand lasts but an instant; our lives too come and go like a whisper on the wind.
How can I come to grips with this? How can I, or any other human being, come to realize that our lives are fragile; that we are mortal; that our lives are not our own. It is in revealing instants like the one I experienced tonight, that we realize to the best of our abilities our fleeting existence on this planet. To live as though we would live forever is foolish. Yet this is how almost all human beings choose to live their lives. We ignore the fact that our time allotted is winding down... we too will die, and it doesn't have to be at 80 or 90. It could be at 20; or 12; or 45.
The question is: am I ready to go? Are you ready to go? I need to begin living my life with an eternal perspective: an eternity outside of this world. Stop concentrating on the fleeting shadow of this life, and focus instead on the eternal. God has our lives in his hands. And considering He is all powerful, I think they are slightly more capable hands than my own. I thank God He held me in his Hand tonight, and that I can live my whole life protected by His loving arms.

Red, White, and Blue Musings

Tomorrow is the fourth of July... I am just working, and then hopefully at night my family will be able to have a cookout, and maybe a pool party or something, and then go watch the fireworks on the beach.
I wonder how many people stop and remember what this holiday stands for: our freedom, our identity as a nation, our pride in proclaiming liberty, and being willing to lay down our lives for these principles.
Or are we?
I know that when I was sworn into the military, and I swore to "support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic..." that I was ready and willing to lay down my life for our nation. The constitution is just a piece of paper; but the principles it embodies are far reaching and eternal. Our freedom has been bought as a price. It cost us the courage and sacrifice of our Founding Fathers, to hang together or hang separately. They stuck their necks out to stand up for what they believed in... and they stood strong. It has been bought with the very life blood of young men and women for over two hundred years... blood that has been cruelly seeped into the grounds of Europe, Asia, the Pacific Islands, Africa, the Middle East, and our very own homeland. Our nation is built on the sacrifices of parents burying their children; of old men forever scarred by the horrors of war.
But our freedom is more than something bought at the ultimate price. It is a privilege to be born free. But it is our DUTY to die free. I pray that we do not falter now in this time in our nation's history. We are at our strongest; yet we are at our weakest because we are willing to buy into the lies that freedom is free; that we will always remain free as we lay down our arms, and live in peace (read: mind our own business). Not true. Freedom must be continually fought for, or we will lose it forever in our complacency. To take freedom for granted is to give up our freedom. The recognition of its cost, and its vulnerable position in our society increases its value.
Let's not be the generation that sold itself its greatest gift into tyranny. Stand up for our nation, believe in her, but most of all, appreciate the liberties we are privilege to have as citizens of this great nation.